Autism & Workplace Gossip: The 7 Survival Tips for Growth

As a person with autism, I hate gossip and drama at work and I’ve never understood why some colleagues seem drawn to it like moths to a flame. As the old saying goes, “If you have nothing nice to say, don’t say anything at all.”

It just doesn’t resonate with me at all. I expect like a lot of you I have a simple view of the world. I come into the office, do my job well, act professionally, and then go home.

If everyone followed this approach then surely, we’d all get on and business performance would improve, right?

Sadly, I’ve learned the hard way that taking a strictly professional and drama-free approach often leaves me labelled as “too corporate” or “overly professional” (yes, that’s actual feedback I’ve received).

It causes me to sometimes be perceived as distant or even odd, instead of a team player.

Why Gossip Matters in the Workplace

When we think about workplace gossip, it’s easy to imagine hushed whispers in corridors with people trying to fuel tension or conflict. But research published in the Social Psychological and Personality Science journal suggests that not all gossip is inherently bad.

In fact, much of it is actually benign and rooted in evolutionary behavior that helps people build social bonds.

Going about with my simplistic view of the world, I often forget that gossip serves an important social purpose for a lot of people. It helps with building bonds, it enables people to share information, and it gives them a sense of feeling included in the group.

For neurotypicals, this is all a natural part of daily interaction: they’re connecting, sharing stories, venting frustration and sending each other these weird ‘trust signals’.

While gossip may serve a social function for many, for those of us on the autism spectrum, it can be a source of confusion and utter frustration due to its unspoken rules, subtle subtext, and ever-changing dynamics.

These hidden layers can make understanding the true meaning behind a conversation feel as though you’re walking through a minefield.

The lack of clear, black-and-white information can leave us feeling left out or even overwhelmed, as we struggle to decode what others seem to grasp effortlessly.

In this article, I’m going to explore autism and workplace gossip in more detail. I’m going to unpack the social importance of gossip, why we find it so difficult, and the strategies we can use to manage it more effectively while staying true to our authentic selves.

The Social Function of Gossip: Evolution and Connection

At the most basic level, you should think of gossip and small talk as a type of social currency (literally – think of it as ‘social money’), the means by which people purchase connections and bonds with one another.

Anthropologists believe that gossip evolved as a way for our ancestors to share important information about their friends and enemies, which in ancient times, could literally mean the difference between life and death.

If you’ve ever watched David Attenborough on the BBC, then you’ll have seen primates in the wild bonding by picking insects and dirt from each other’s fur.

For humans, thanks to inventions likes soap and shampoo, this type of physical grooming has given way to verbal exchanges – well, for most us that is – yes…that’s right – I’m looking at you 🙂

Nowadays, instead of picking fleas off each other’s bodies (and God knows what else primates get up to), we bond and generate trust by idly chit-chatting and sharing stories.

As well as a way of bonding, gossip has also evolved to serve a broader cultural purpose. If you think about the topics that people gossip about at work or elsewhere, they’re usually centered around individuals and more often than not they’ll include value judgments.

These casual anecdotes, it is argued, are a way for us to communicate our social norms more widely and provide us with the opportunity to engage in indirect observational learning outside of our immediate networks, such as friends and family.

By seeing gossip in this way – as a cultural tool—a kind of compass that helps people gauge whether their views and behaviors align with societal expectations—it becomes easier to understand why gossip isn’t always derogatory and even why people often gossip about complete strangers.

Bringing this back into the workplace, gossip is a way for everyone – including those of us with autism – to establish the unwritten norms of our workplace cultures and to establish what’s acceptable and what’s not in the environment in which you work.

If your colleagues are the primates with fleas (kidding…not really), then idle chit-chat is their way of boosting morale, forming and understanding cultural workplace norms and strengthening their relationships both inside and outside of work.

The Dark Side of Gossip: Toxicity and Trust Erosion

Positive gossip has its place, but it can easily cross the line into harmful negative or toxic gossip. This darker form often involves spreading half-truths about colleagues, sharing personal information without consent, or fueling malicious rumors.

Those who engage in toxic gossip may be driven by their own insecurities or, in some cases, by a calculated, Machiavellian desire to undermine others and advance their own careers and agendas.

This type of gossip is particularly dangerous, as it creates a toxic work environment, destroys teams and erodes trust among colleagues.

In my career, I’ve encountered several individuals who thrive on this toxic behavior and the best advice I can offer is to exercise extreme caution around them.

Don’t ever share anything you wouldn’t want the entire world to know, and if possible, steer clear of them altogether—nothing good ever comes from spending time with people who thrive on negativity and manipulation and there’s a good chance that sooner or later you’ll become their target.

Why Gossip Feels Challenging for People With Autism

I once made the silly mistake of confiding in a colleague about being in a relationship with a girl we both knew when I was a teenager—someone who, coincidentally, now worked for our organization 30 years later.

To my surprise, that colleague immediately left the room, went downstairs, and shared the story with others. I was stunned. I had naively assumed that what I shared in confidence would remain private because that’s exactly how I would have handled it.

That experience taught me a tough but valuable lesson: people often use novel or intriguing gossip as a chip to increase their trust and standing with the wider group. They don’t always care where that particular chip came from or what the consequences of cashing it in are.

Since then, I’ve learned to be much more cautious about what I share, particularly in the workplace, where trust can sometimes be fragile.

I realize now that as a person with autism, I value authenticity and trust above most things and I had wrongly assumed that others would too.

The concept of someone breaking my confidence for their own social gain hadn’t aligned with my intrinsic sense of fairness and logic and the fact that someone could do it so easily and blatantly was hard for me to come to terms with.

It left me with a deep sense of moral discomfort, and I can still remember thinking that I would never again engage in gossip or any personal conversation with that colleague.

Was that the right response?

Did I inadvertently harm myself by refusing to communicate in a way that felt socially normative?

Even now, I’m still not sure.

The Missing Context: How Subtext Challenges Autistics

As autistics, we struggle with other aspects of gossip too, and one of the most significant is interpreting subtext. When people gossip they often use non-verbal cues, they shift the tone of their voice and they say things that have implied meanings.

For instance, let’s say I was gossiping to you about the situation I’ve just described with the colleague who betrayed me.

Here’s how that might sound and look:

(I would lean forward slightly and lower my voice as though I was about to share something private)

“Honestly I was a bit shocked when I found out that my colleague had told others about something I shared with them in confidence.”

(I would pause, look sideways and shrug as though I was downplaying the whole thing)

 “I thought we were just having a casual chat, do you know what I mean? I didn’t think they were gonna go straight downstairs and gossip.”

(My eyes would narrow slightly and you would hear my voice harden)

“It’s like, why on Earth would you do that?”

(Now my voice would soften and my shoulders would slump as though I was feeling the weight of the situation descend

“To be honest with you, I’ve always believed in being honest and trusting others with personal stuff, but now I’m questioning whether I was too naive. Maybe I should’ve known better but I just didn’t expect that from them.”

Now here are the actual meanings of the non-verbal cues and the tone shifts I used while fictional me was busy gossiping to fictional you:  

When the information is broken down and presented to you in this way ,you can clearly see how as a person with autism, I’m only getting access to half of the information I need when I’m listening to the gossip.

Because I don’t fully understand the non-verbal cues and tone shifts, there’s a good chance that I’ll miss the emotional context behind the spoken words, which is why I’m sometimes perceived as ‘cold’ or ‘unfriendly.’

Recognizing what we’re missing in these encounters goes some way to explaining the communication challenges we face.

As people with autism, the sad reality is that these difficulties make it more likely that we end up as the subject of gossip ourselves, rather than joining in with it.

This is one of many things that contributes to our feelings of isolation and bullying and reinforces the neurotypical perception of autism (and even quite often our own self-perception) that we’re outsiders.

Believe it or not this can have a profound impact on our self-esteem and mental health. It leads to feelings of frustration, anxiety and mistrust and results in less job satisfaction, less productivity and a reluctance to pursue career opportunities.

Okay, that’s the worst-case scenario, so what can we do to prevent that from happening?

How to Navigate Workplace Gossip With Autism

I do honestly believe that even with autism, it’s possible to engage successfully in workplace gossip without compromising your values or being inauthentic.

It’s not always easy, but it’s about understanding the purpose of gossip and using it strategically to your advantage, all while doing so on your own terms.

Reframing gossip as a natural – and not necessarily toxic – part of social interaction can also help. Even if you choose not to participate, bearing this in mind can make you feel less resentful and mistrusting of those who do engage in it around you.

1. Establish Some Clear Personal Boundaries

If you’re listening or engaging in gossip and it feels uncomfortable or unethical then politely redirect the conversation towards a more neutral topic, or find a way of excusing yourself from the conversation altogether.

2. Only Ever Engage in Positive Forms of Gossip

This should be your number one rule. If you engage in gossip for strategic purposes then only do so in a positive way, such as celebrating a colleague’s success or acknowledging someone’s achievements.

If the chat begins to turn negative or toxic then you can still listen attentively (you’re being strategic and gathering intelligence remember), but don’t actively contribute to the conversation.

Here’s a top tip especially for people with autism: always keep a very close eye on those who gossip the most about others to you. Be careful what you reveal to them because there’s a strong chance that they’ll also be gossiping about you in front of others.

3. If You Can’t Engage in Positive Gossip, Then Remain Neutral and Non-Judgmental

It’s a fact of life that the people you’re around won’t always want to engage in positive gossip, and therefore the next best approach is to stay neutral. If someone begins gossiping around you then try and avoid taking sides.

Simply listen to what the other person is saying (being strategic remember) without adding your own opinions or judgements. This helps you to maintain a sense of belonging to the group while not engaging in the negative or harmful aspects of gossip.

4. Try and Build a Small Number of Personal Relationships

This one isn’t always easy for people with autism, but a very effective way to thrive in a gossip heavy environment is by building open and honest relationships with colleagues.

By building trust through regular personal interactions, you begin create a network of support that won’t then rely on informal gossip channels to fill in the blanks about you, because they’ll be getting their information directly from the source.

They’re also much less likely to engage in toxic gossip about you with others.

If this feels like a mountain to you, then start by trying to form relationships with just one or two key individuals at work, and see what difference it makes.

If it makes you feel good, and you find it reduces your exposure to negative gossip, then try and form another, and then another, and see how far you can take it.

5. Model Positive Gossiping Behavior in Front of Your Colleagues

When it comes to gossip you can lead by example by making it a habit to highlight the good you see in others, whether that’s their achievements, their work ethic or other positive traits.

Practicing this consistently, especially if you’re in a leadership role, can help to set the standard for what’s acceptable in terms of office gossip, and what’s not.

6. Use Humor to Deflect Toxic Gossip

There will inevitably be times when you’ll hear gossip that will make you feel uncomfortable. One of the most effective ways of dealing with this is to use humor to gently re-direct the conversation.

If it happens, try introducing a light hearted joke or some mild banter as a way to change the subject without creating conflict. This allows you to disengage from a potentially toxic subject without seeming disengaged or confrontational.

7. Leverage Your Ability to Be Emotionally Detached

If you’re anything like me then you’re highly logical and analytical and you prefer not to bring your emotions to the party.

Try to leverage this ability, by detaching yourself from the emotional side of gossip and see it purely as fulfilling a strategic purpose – the goals are to build your social network, to improve your reputation and to passively gather useful intelligence.

Remember these goals and don’t allow yourself to get dragged into the emotional affairs of others.

Conclusion

If you want to navigate workplace gossip as a professional with autism, then you’ll need to apply your logical mind to developing a sense of self-awareness, strategy and resilience.

I know the idea of gossiping goes against the grain for many of us, but as a tool for building your career, it’s important that you understand the social purpose it fulfills for many neurotypical people.

If you remember that not all gossip is toxic – that most of it is actually benign – and you reframe it in this way then you can begin to see its usefulness. There are times when you should lean into the gossip but be careful not to fall into the trap of toxic gossip and stay away from those who do.   

Be vigilant, be positive, and use gossip strategically to become an accepted part of the group and to gather the intelligence you need to stay ahead with autism.