For people with autism, small talk can feel like a bit of an enigma. We observe the effortless exchanges happening in corridors and offices at work and find ourselves asking why our neurotypical colleagues seem to enjoy it.
Their back and forth conversations flow naturally. They appear happy and relaxed, sometimes even eager to keep the conversations going for as long as possible. They seem genuinely engaged and interested in the other person. We watch, we listen, but most of the time we just don’t get it.
As much as we might struggle to understand them, we can’t ignore the fact that conversations are key to building rapport and relationships in the workplace, and that those relationships are usually the foundation of career success.
Personally, I believe that we have to play the hand we’re dealt.
For us, this means that rather than avoiding small talk because it feels difficult, we should lean into it with strategies and practice. The more that we do it, the better we become, the more confident we become.
If we choose instead to withdraw and avoid interactions altogether then it ends up becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy.
We tell ourselves that we can’t do small talk “because of autism.” We hover on the edges of conversations and then wonder why it’s so hard to make friends.
The reality is that improving our conversation skills helps us to participate more meaningfully with autism, even if it feels like we’re stepping out of our comfort zone. It doesn’t come easily, but with practice is can become a manageable skill.
I don’t say this lightly. I hate small talk. I dread it. I actively avoid it where possible. Like many of you, I run out of things to say after just a few sentences.
But I’ve come to think about it strategically. I remind myself that there are plenty of things we don’t enjoy doing in life, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t good for us. Exercise is a good example. I mean, who the heck actually likes running?
Why Is Autism Small Talk So Hard?
Throughout my career, I can recall numerous difficulties with small talk but one in particular still makes me cringe.
I had just finishing chairing a meeting with my team where I’d been the version of myself that was confident and composed as the leader.
Then at the end of the meeting, one of my colleagues who is friends with my partner (who also works for my organization) walked up to me and asked me a simple question.
She asked “How’s things with Grace and the kids”?
I can remember switching from the confident leader I’d been in the meeting just a few moments before, to an awkward and shy mute who didn’t want to engage or make eye contact.
I have no doubt that the impression I left on that colleague was not a positive one at all, and she probably thought I was being rude, aloof, weird or a combination of all three.
I like to think I’ve gotten much better since then by understanding the reasons why I feel like this and by being aware that it’s a challenge for me. Only time will tell!
It’s hard for people without autism to truly understand that we experience communication—both what we give and what we receive—differently from most of the world.
This difference becomes clear and exposed in the context of small talk, which is by nature quick, light, and full of unspoken rules. In many ways, it’s the exact opposite of how our monotropic, singularly focused brains are wired.
We much prefer to receive a message, study it logically and analytically, and then respond. But small talk doesn’t work like that. It comes at us all at once—unpredictable, messy, and fast. Often, there doesn’t even seem to be a purpose.
Instead, we like our conversations to have a purpose. We’re direct, we get to the point, and we avoid wasting time on what feels like unnecessary “fluff.”
When we stop to think about it, there are several common-sense reasons why small talk feels so challenging for us.
For starters, we value honesty and tend to be straightforward and authentic in our dealings with people. Small talk, however, often involves what we see as unnecessary pleasantries or idle chatter, or worse, presenting a version of ourselves that doesn’t exactly tie in with how we’re feeling.
On top of that, if we sense that the other person isn’t being completely authentic with us, then we shut down from them and it becomes even harder to engage or connect.
With autism, we also struggle with the social cues that come with small talk—things like tone of voice, body language, or the subtle meaning behind words. I’ve experienced this firsthand at work when colleagues tried to drop hints about struggles they were facing in their lives.
I completely missed the breadcrumbs they were leaving for me which understandably left them feeling confused and thinking I didn’t care. That’s one of the reasons I now ask my staff to be direct and clear with me if something is bothering them.
Then there’s the issue of sensory overload with autism. If you’re anything like me then you might find it tricky to focus on back and forth conversations when you’re surrounded by the distractions of a busy work environment.
I sometimes find the bright ceiling lights and the noise of the office to be overwhelming and when it all becomes too much, I experience a physical reaction where my heart beats faster and it feels like fight-or-flight.
I get the same feeling in busy restaurants where there are multiple conversations happening around me. In those moments, simple small talk becomes impossible to manage.
Finally, we often have a smaller number of very intense interests, which means connecting over typical small talk topics like the weather, sports, or casual personal experiences can feel unnatural.
When we can’t engage with surface-level subjects in an authentic way, it can come across as disinterest or detachment, even though that’s not our intention.
Why Small Talk Matters at Work With Autism
As we discussed earlier, small talk plays a crucial role in building professional relationships and fostering a sense of community at work. Here are a few more reasons why it’s worth investing time and effort into improving your small talk skills:
1. Building Connections:
While it might feel comfortable to stick to yourself, the reality is that small talk is what helps build rapport with your coworkers. Without it, you risk being isolated.
Speaking from hard-earned experience, when the chips are down, you don’t want to find yourself standing alone.
You’ll need the support of others, and that support is much harder to come by if you haven’t taken the time to connect.
2. Career Growth
Like it or not, the way your colleagues and bosses perceive you often hinges on how you interact with them. Practicing small talk—even if it goes against every instinct with autism —sends a message of approachability and openness.
These traits positively influence your professional image and can significantly boost your potential for career advancement.
3. Easing the Way
Have you ever noticed how many people ease into meetings with a bit of pointless small talk? Whether it’s chatting about their weekend or the weather, this “warm-up” is how they break the ice and create a positive impression with each other before getting down to business.
As an autistic person, you might not see the need for this preamble, but it’s important to recognize that for neurotypicals, small talk is an essential part of the communication dance.
4. Fewer Misunderstandings
Regular small talk can help your coworkers understand you better as a person, making them less likely to misinterpret your words or actions.
This is especially important for people with autism, as our communication style can sometimes be perceived in ways we don’t intend.
Small talk builds familiarity, which can go a long way in reducing misunderstandings.
Practical Tips for Handling Small Talk at Work
We’ve explored why people with autism can find small talk difficult, so now let’s look at some practical ways to make these interactions more manageable and less stressful:
1. Have a List of Easy Conversation Starters to Hand
Keeping a mental list of safe and neutral topics can make opening a casual conversation feel less daunting. Here are some examples you could use:
- “Did you catch the latest episode of [whatever you’re currently watching on Netflix]?”
- “How was your weekend? Did you do anything fun?”
- “I heard a new coffee shop opened in town—do you fancy checking it out at lunchtime?”
If you’re not already doing this, give it a go. You might be pleasantly surprised where it takes you.
2. Try to Listen More Than You Speak
This is called ‘active listening’ and it involves focusing fully on the person you’re talking to.
Try to maintain eye contact (even if it’s uncomfortable), paraphrase what they’ve said to show you’re listening, and ask open-ended questions to keep the conversation flowing.
As autistic individuals, we sometimes have a habit of turning the conversation back to ourselves. For instance, someone shares an experience, and we respond by giving an example of when we did something similar.
By sharing a similar experience we think we’re showing empathy but a lot of people will see this as you trying to hijack the conversation to make it about yourself, even though this usually wasn’t the intention.
Be mindful of it and try to avoid when possible.
3. Introduce Your Special Interests
Don’t be afraid to fall back on topics you’re passionate about, especially if you’re struggling to keep a back and forth conversation going with autism. Talking about your special interests can make the interaction feel more authentic and enjoyable for you.
The other person might not share your enthusiasm, but that’s okay. At least you’re showing them a genuine side of yourself and giving them insight into what makes you tick.
This counts for a lot when it comes to building relationships.
4. Set Boundaries When Needed
It’s important to recognize when you need a break from social interactions. For someone with autism, small talk can be mentally and emotionally exhausting, especially when you’re juggling a full workload. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, it’s perfectly fine to excuse yourself politely.
A simple phrase like, “I’ve got a deadline coming up, but it was great chatting with you,” allows you to exit the conversation gracefully and without guilt.
5. Practice Makes Perfect
Like any skill, small talk gets easier with practice. Over time, it builds confidence, and it feels great when you walk away knowing you’ve connected with someone.
If practicing at work feels too intimidating, try it in neutral settings instead. For example, chat with the barista when ordering coffee or say hello to a neighbor washing their car.
These low-pressure situations remove the fear of failure, and the more you practice, the more natural small talk will start to feel.
Skills for Navigating Group Conversations With Autism
While one-on-one small talk can be difficult, group settings come with their own unique challenges. Whether it’s small talk during an office meeting, at after-work events, or in the work canteen, it’s easy to feel out of your comfort zone.
The natural response might be to withdraw, stay quiet, and simply listen. While that can feel safer, it won’t necessarily help you stand out or support your career growth.
If these situations feel overwhelming, try listening for natural gaps in the conversation where you can add a comment or ask a question. This approach allows you to participate without the pressure of dominating or leading the discussion.
If you’re unsure how to contribute, reflective statements can be a great tool. For example, if someone mentions attending an event, you might respond with, “That sounds like fun. How did it go?”
This shows you’re engaged in the conversation while letting the other person take the lead, keeping the pressure on you to a minimum.
If group discussions feel like too much at times, it’s okay to step back. Just aim to make those moments the exception rather than the rule—small, meaningful contributions can go a long way.
Managing Anxiety Around Small Talk
It’s completely normal to feel anxious, or even panicked, at the thought of making small talk in a work setting. One technique I’ve found particularly helpful is an exercise called ‘Box Breathing’.
Here’s how it works: Imagine a box and picture yourself moving along its sides. Start at the top of the box. Close your eyes and breathe in slowly through your nose while counting to four.
Next, move to the right side of the box. Hold your breath for another count of four. Then, as you move to the bottom of the box, exhale slowly and steadily through your mouth for a count of four.
Finally, move to the left side of the box. Hold your breath again for four counts before starting the cycle over.
Repeat this process as many times as you need to feel calm and centered. It’s a simple yet powerful way to manage anxiety before or during social interactions.
Conclusion
Small talk doesn’t have to be a daunting part of your workday if you approach it with the right strategies and an understanding of why it can feel challenging for those of us with autism.
I know it’s easier said than done, but try to think of small talk as a strategic tool; one that with practice can help you build stronger relationships and ultimately grow your career. Isn’t that worth a try?
Some might see this as advocating for masking and argue that you shouldn’t have to mask in the workplace.
I understand and respect that perspective. However, for me personally, I believe that just because something is difficult doesn’t mean it’s not worth doing, especially if the benefits outweigh the challenges.
This isn’t about being perfect or becoming a master conversationalist. It’s about taking small steps, building your confidence, and gradually finding it a little easier over time.
Ready to Take the Next Step?
Have you tried any of these strategies in your workplace? How have you navigated small talk as an autistic professional? Share your experiences in the comments below—your insights could be invaluable to others in similar situations.
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